A few weeks ago, someone who's really close and dear to me told me, that he is about to leave, or better, he will move away to the end of this year. I cried like a little girl, even knowing how selfish this kind of behavior was. But I couldn't help it. Then, we decided to make the best out of the remaining time and I managed to go on somehow.
Then two weeks ago, my husband told me that they will change his shift shedeule and thus, we will have less money, starting next year. We don't know how to come through then, but hey... we decided we will manage it somehow... like we always did. And again, I managed to go on somehow.
Last Saturday, I received the news that my mother was brought to the hospital. Diagnosis: Cancer. But they didn't know anything more. I was telling myself, that everything will go well. After all, she's my mother... and my family and I, we always have been fighters. So, she will fight and win, and that's it. So I told myself. Enclosing her in my prayers, since I'm over 300 km away and can't just go home right now. Last Monday, I talked to her on the phone. She sounded just tired, but confident and asured me, that everything will be fine.
But today, only 4 days later, I had her on the phone again. She was barely able to breath. The cancer has reached her lungs. She says, they told her, there's nothing to be done anymore. It's only a matter of time. She's in in terrible pain and only wishes to come home, spending the rest of her remaining time with her family - her husband, my sisters, my grand-parents.
This time, I can't bring myself to go on, no matter what I try.
My thoughts run in circles.
Sometimes, I just can't stop crying. Feeling nothing but pain, anger and sadness. Feeling so damn helpless.
And then, there are hours, when everything seems far away. No feelings at all, despite dispair.
Then my brain brings up all of it. My mother, my husband's job, financial problems, my friend who's like a brother to me leaving us...
I haven't had much sleep for a week now and my body seems to deny any food other than hot choclate and apples for some strange reason.
I want to scream... I want to crush something... and just end up crying again.
It feels like my world has stopped turning.
Listening to: My inner voice